smelly sock voodoo doll

Next time your good for nothing boyfriend tells you he "needs some space" make sure you snag one of his dirty socks before he heads for the door. If you're feeling particularly vindictive you can fill the sock with any paper or cloth-based relationship souvenirs you might have lying around: ticket stubs, napkins, the insides of the stupid stuffed rabbit he gave you for Valentine's Day, his passport, etc. It's also fun to try and steal his shoelaces before he leaves. Not only can you use them to tie off the doll's extremities, he'll have fun trying to make his way over to his new girlfriend's house without his shoelaces. I also find it cathartic to set up my new smelly-sock-ex-boyfriend-voodoo-doll with a tiny little plastic slut, like "crack-ho barbie" here.

How to make a doll noose

Sometimes you don't actually feel like making a doll, you just want to hang them. In this case, knowing how to tie a noose comes in really handy.

You will need:

• 1 doll who has recently pissed you off

• 1 length of cord, plain white twine, or discarded shoelace

• The ability to follow complicated knot-tying instructions. I've provided a link here for how to tie a noose, however you will need to adjust measurements to doll-size.
  

http://www.instructables.com/id/SGP82LZFE38J9AG/

Note- If you can't figure out how to do it, you can always grab your twine, run outside and ask the first man you see in your sweetest voice if he can help tie a noose for you. Men love to help women with stuff like this. It makes them feel useful and powerful.

Hangover Harriet #2

I could give detailed assembly instructions, but why bother? I never fucking read instructions. I find them overrated. So here's the quick and dirty lowdown:

beer bottle= body
cigarette pack= head
bottle caps= eyes
"silver lining"= hair
toilet paper= skirt
floss= sash
used matchbox: rip to form arms
sharpie= crazy manic pupils
fabric glue= sticks shit together nicely

Note: One can only construct this doll properly when inebriated, and only appreciate properly when hungover.

Once I wake up and answer all of the important questions like: "What's my name?", "Why is my shirt on backwards?", "Who smoked all my cigarettes?", "What did Marx really mean by dictatorship of the proletariat?", "Is Snuffleupagus really real?" I find that Hangover Harriet
is a great comfort to me when I finally I come to my senses, decide to take an Advil and go back to sleep.

Hangover Harriet #1

While making dolls in captivity is wicked fuckin' hella awesome, sometimes the only inspiration one needs is a couple drinks....or 6...or 9. Add to that the discarded remnants of a party recently evacuated, because some unnamed hostess refused to stop playing Social Distortion's cover of "Pretty in Pink" over and over again, and you've got yourself a recipe for a Hangover Harriet doll.


You will need:

• 1 at least mostly empty beer bottle (If it's got a sip or two left in it, don't sweat it - this will just add a distinctive stale hoppy flavor to your doll)
• 1 empty cigarette pack (note: separate silver lining. You will need this later. No double entendre intended)
• 2 beer bottle caps
• about six plies of toilet paper and six inches of dental floss ( You will recall these materials from our previous bathroom shenanigans)
• One used matchbook
• A sharpie
• Fabric glue

(Just make a habit of keeping fabric glue and sharpies around at all times. They are the impromptu demented doll-makers' best friends. Learn it. Live it. Love it.)

Help! I'm drunk and trapped in the bathroom doll #6

When someone finally does arrive to let your drunk ass out of the bathroom, the whole party will undoubtedly be impressed with your efficient use of spare time.

Help I'm Drunk and Trapped in the Bathroom Doll #5

Mascara or eyeliner can be used to draw eyes; give your doll a small blot of lipstick for a mouth, and nail polish or lipstick can be used to paint on hair. If you feel like your drunk bathroom doll is more of a modest type, you can give her a bonnet. Bonnets can be constructed from a pantyliner cut into a small circle if you can find a pair of nail scissors. The pantyliner medium is handy because it comes with adhesive, so you can just stick it right on top of the doll's head. If you can't find pantyliners or scissors, you can use cotton rounds and tie on with floss, as I've done here. Also, bandaids can serve as tape if you have no other alternatives. I always keep hair glue in my medicine cabinet because I never know when I will want to glue something to my head. If you can find hair glue then you've really scored. Also, if your hostess is a complete slob like myself, you might be able to locate a bunch of real hairs in a hairbrush or bathroom drain and adhere these to the back of drunk doll's skull.

Help, I'm drunk and trapped in the bathroom doll #4

Now here's where makeup comes in handy. If you're a girlie-girl and always travel with your own makeup kit, then you are totally set. But I always find it more enjoyable to root through other people's personal belongings, especially if I have time to kill.

Assuming your hostess is classy enough to have toilet paper, grab about six plies and fold so that you have three layers - each two plies long. Pinch in the middle to form a head. If you are fortunate enough to be trapped in the toilette of someone who has good dental hygiene, then you should be able to locate some dental floss. Break some off and tie around the paper to form a neck. You can then rip two strips along the sides and tie at the ends to simulate arms. If you have something against fat people and feel the need to give your doll a waist, you can also use floss to cinch the middle.

I don't know how many times I have heard this question.
But, Elaine, what if I am at a party and too drunk and stupid to figure out the bathroom door? How do I make a doll while I am waiting for a sober person to let me out?

Greetings Comrades!

Welcome to doll-making for the demented, deranged, and deeply disturbed! This is me in my favorite chair with my favorite hand-made pillow. Yes, I like to make pillows, but I also make dolls.

Why make dolls? you may ask.

Why not?!!! I scream like a shrill, manic, sleep-deprived gnome.

Making dolls is pretty much cake, and sooo-per fun. You can make a doll out of ANYTHING: intravenous needles, dead insects, your boyfriend's social-security card, pubic hair, you name it. You needn't have talent, art supplies, electricity, or even a clear police record. Demented dolls are for everyone! They are The Dolls of the People if you will. Viva la Revolucion!